It has been quite some time since I wrote my last article. But there is a good reason for all of this, as in this new phase of my life, which started, let’s say, in the middle of the last year, I’m learning how to slow down and just be. I’m waking up to see my life from a whole new perspective.

Instead of running after something, I’m embracing the newness of just staying still and acting on what I feel pulled towards. It’s life-changing, so let me tell you how I got here.

Mind vs. the New

I was always living more in a reactive mode, using my mind too much. Until I learned that this was a very limiting way of “living,” or more of running on autopilot. It was far from living. I run on unconscious programming, as most of us were conditioned.

Life is so much more than this! If we just knew how to come back to ourselves. Life could be more of a fun surf ride where we could enjoy whatever comes our way with no resistance to it.

If we just knew how to stop resisting those waves life throws at us and accept them the way they are, without being affected by them. Simply because we know they help us grow and teach us more about ourselves. As much as we like to fall victim and feel powerless that they bring us down; they come to teach us some important lessons through this struggle if we pay attention to what happens within us.

True love that comes through pain

Probably the starting point of all of this was when my grandma, who was very close to me, passed away. That was the time when I was curious to dive deeper into the real meaning of my life. I wanted to honor her memory by dedicating my energy and time to something meaningful.

Usually, those are the moments we question life and wonder why suffering exists. What if it’s the only way we can ever see beyond the illusion we live in?

It might be the only way to see beyond the physical world and turn towards something that can only be experienced. Something which is beyond your thinking mind, which can see through the ego masks and world of illusions.

What I found was something that flipped my life upside down.

Everything bad is good for something

Old cliché, yet very true. Most of us see painful experiences as the cause of our suffering, and we do everything possible to avoid them. We try to control and manipulate our surroundings; we please; we indulge in compulsive behaviors; we avoid conflicts or standing out, we hide those insecurities in hard work, partying, …

It’s like living locked inside a house out of fear, blocking any light from coming in and unaware that we are the ones who hold the key. We call this life, when the real life happens out there, yet we are afraid of it.

We see the world as the cause of our suffering, yet we are unconscious that the pain is inside of ourselves. Only when the pain becomes unbearable and we accept the responsibility to shape our lives we find the key and find the way out of the darkness.

Flipping the perspective

What I see now is that all of those events were very important because they crashed my ego structures and opened a tiny gap for something new to emerge. I began to see why I was suffering, and I understood it had nothing to do with the outside world (people or events), but it had everything to do with what I carry inside of myself.

Now I’m very grateful for all the pain I experienced as I see the big picture of it all. It took me some time to reach this place.

Embrace the pain; it guides you back to yourself

Luckily enough, I had a few important people in my life who reminded me not to run away from the pain but to embrace it. So I stayed at home on my own and allowed myself to feel all the sadness and grief. I meditated to observe what is happening within me.

It took me almost one month to make the connections until one evening, before I was going to sleep, something clicked and I realized: I was addicted to approval. I was giving power to others to define my value.

For so many years, I allowed people to manipulate me. I felt great when they approved me; I crumbled when they didn’t. I would do everything to please them; I would try to control and manipulate to feel safe, I avoided conflicts and speaking from my heart; and I was really exhausted from not being myself.

It was amazing, as in the moment I connected the dots, I felt empowered and free. Like I just conquered a bit of myself back.

I woke up to see that something had to change

I need to be my cheerleader. I need to be my source of love!

The very next day, I woke up charged with very positive energy. I stopped being the victim of my circumstances and became the creator of my life.

Healing starts when the unconscious becomes conscious

I began to see that I had all the answers inside of myself. I made my spiritual growth and paying attention to my intuition a priority for 2024!

What a ride since then!

I went to an aura reader, joined kundalini yoga classes, went to two psilocybin mini-retreats, a one-day surf retreat, and joined energy workshops; got curious in numerology; and did two ayahuasca ceremonies since then. Many interesting books found their way to me (recommendations at the end of this article 🙂), which opened my mind even more.

Not to forget that meditation was always a part of my daily practices.

I could write so much more about this period, but I will keep it for the next articles. The most important thing was to be more aware of what is happening inside of me.

After so many years, I realized I was disconnected from my own body and also my emotions, which was caused by many traumas from my childhood. All of this is connected to those ego masks I wore, which protected my vulnerable parts from experiencing more pain.

Ego isn’t our enemy

A friend of mine lent me an amazing book, Eastern Body, Western Mind, which helped me a lot in this phase. So many new insights from this one!

For so many months, I saw my ego as an enemy, causing me troubles until I understood that my ego was a great friend who helped me to survive those painful times during my childhood. It protected me and kept me safe.

The paradox of life is that our ego is like a shell, which makes us believe we are safe, but the only thing that protects us is life itself.

Instead of pushing him away, I learned to listen to those messages it had for me, and I listen to them with compassion. Maybe you are already familiar with inner child work, when you learn how to be the parent you always wanted for yourself.

Different Masks for Different Occasions

The society is like a carnival. There are many masks we might wear on different occasions. Yet we are not aware!

What do you do when you feel rejected? When do you need reassurance? How do you behave in your relationship to get love? Or when someone criticizes you?

My ego loved taking the mask of an achiever, which was feeding my need for approval and gave me false sense of worth defined by the outside world. Such a great armour, until I bumped into someone who didn’t like me.

There I went, “living life in reactive mode. Feeling empowered by my success, I crumbled when experiencing failure. No problem, this too can be covered by another mask of perfectionist living with high expectations of myself and everyone around who did her best to control everything. I would rather do things myself to make sure they will be done and this lead to exhaustion on the top of all.

You might wonder, for how long can people function like this? Well, some for their entire lives, unless something “bad” happens.

Seeing this in me helped me to see it in others, too.

Maybe you too don’t know how to sit still and feel guilty when you are not productive. I certainly couldn’t. And I see how our education and society reward productivity and keep us stuck in this illusion that our value comes from there.

I lived this way for many years. Even after I quit my job, I wanted to straightaway organize retreats, yet the universe had a better plan for me.

My mind and ego resisted until I saw why it didn’t happen the way I wanted.

Everything comes to us at the right time

More and more, I see how everything happens when it needs to happen. How things come to us when we are ready to receive them. If I’d started right away with a new project, I wouldn’t have built it with the right energy. It would still be my ego character chasing achievements, and living this way for more years, it could easily lead to burnout.

I had to spot the patterns of my ego and release stuck emotions.

The Wake-up Call of Ayahuasca

The first ceremony in June 2024 helped me to value myself more, to speak up, and to declutter my life from many attachments that were holding me back. It was not a random coincidence that in one month I communicated that I want to quit my job.

The second ceremony showed me how shallow life is if I only used my mind, and how much more effortless it could be once I integrate my intuition. I became more aware of how my mind and ego created those prisons, which kept me “safe” but held me back from truly living.

I was ready to break free!

It was challenging at the beginning as my mind loved to come and complain that nothing was happening. My achiever complained that I’m wasting my time. My mind brought fears that I need to do something to support myself, but more and more I was just watching those dramas without giving them my attention.

When I calmed down my mind and understood the cry of my ego, it loosened its power over me.

Now, I’m more of an observer, living in the present moment, and when thoughts or emotions come, I keep this space between them and let them just pass through me like waves in the ocean.

I remain untouched as long as I don’t enter the scenes of this play but remain as an objective observer.

The New

This year, until my birthday, has the power of the number 7, which stands for giving up all those illusions that cloud my vision. The old identities, beliefs, attachments, and much more.

I’m experiencing that each time I’m aware of something new in me, I feel more free and authentic to follow my passion, to speak from my heart, and to live my truth. The new to me is detaching from the past and living fully in the present moment.

I feel the new project will be built on different, healthier energy.

I’m committed to doing what makes me happy without needing anything in return. Freeing myself of many old fears.

Trusting the process

Sometimes my mind wants to know how I will make it happen and when it will happen, and I just need to return back to my breath and remain present.

Same way as we never know when exactly the next good waves will arrive at our favorite surf spot, but we trust they will arrive someday. We simply know, and we remain flexible and alert to follow what makes us happy when the time comes. If no waves, there are many other things we enjoy doing meanwhile.

There is time to rest; there is time to play; there is time to act

In the same way I can’t decide when the ocean gives me fun waves to surf, I can’t decide when the opportunity shows up in my life. I don’t stress about it, I take it the way it is and focus on living the most conscious way not to miss any sign which comes from being present!

The only thing that is in my control is to remain present, follow what excites me and makes me happy for the pure enjoyment of doing it.

I know when the moment will come, I will know what to do.

I invite you to turn your attention away from the external world and pay attention to what is happening within you. All those patterns that are repeating in your life, pay attention to emotions, thoughts, and beliefs you hold.

Pay attention to what triggers you and get curious to understand why you have those reactions. You would be surprised how many answers you can find in your childhood.

AWARENESS is your key to lasting joy. AWARENESS brings you freedom.

And as I promised, here are some of those great books that I very much enjoyed: