This morning, I drew the same angel card for the third time this week: “Be the creator of miracles in your life.”
It felt… perfectly fitting. Ok, Life, I’m getting the message!
I woke up slowly, taking some inspired action from the comfort of my bed, and later, in the shower, a thought came to me: if I could get a small loan for a few months, it would really help me stabilise during this period. Simple, practical — and yet, even voicing it felt like opening a door I’ve been hesitant to step through.
I don’t want to get it from a bank, though. I’ve seen how unfair the conditions can be and what that can do to someone’s life. I’ve avoided making debts at all costs my whole life.
Part of that comes from my family’s story. They once had to go through personal bankruptcy to get out of their own debts — paying debts with more debts. I witnessed how heavy and consuming that cycle can become, and I carried a deep fear of repeating that pattern myself.
And yet, I can also see now that my situation is different. This time, it wouldn’t be borrowing to survive a collapsing structure, but to create value and buy myself time while something new is taking shape. Still, the fear crept in — quietly, but persistently.
Later, as I was sitting outside and soaking up some sunshine, I reflected on patterns in my life. I remembered 2014 — the year I decided to go to Scotland to pursue an opportunity that appeared to offer more financial freedom. There were a few catches: I had to speak English (and I didn’t really), and I didn’t even have the money for a plane ticket. Still, I took the first step, went to that interview, failed, and kept trying until I got a yes.
I had no clarity on how I would make it happen, but that didn’t stop me. I walked the path with hope that there must be a way to make it work. My family didn’t have the money either, but my granny, seeing my determination, asked her friend to lend me €400 so I could take that step.
When I received it, I was so happy — and at the same time, I felt the heaviness of knowing there was no way back. I gave her my word that she would get it back with my first salary. And I keep my word.
That same feeling came up recently when I spoke to my landlord. I told him honestly that I would pay him, but that I couldn’t promise an exact date — because I didn’t have that answer yet. On that phone call, I even said: maybe these days, a word doesn’t mean much anymore.
And yet, for me, it does.
It feels rare sometimes to meet people who live from integrity — who would rather speak the truth than offer empty promises just to buy time. I couldn’t lie. I couldn’t promise something I didn’t know how to deliver. All I could offer was honesty and my word.
And here I am, 11 years later, facing something similar. Spiritually rich — financially broke.
Those 11 years have taught me so much. I’ve lived life fully. Just like in surfing, I’ve ridden high and I’ve ridden low. I’ve been thrown off balance more times than I can count — and through it all, I’ve learned how to regain it. How to stay upright even when the conditions change. I wouldn’t change a single thing about the way my life has unfolded, because I can see the perfection in it now. It trained me for exactly this.
Still, I’ve tried to find a way out of this situation through my own effort alone. And the lesson I’m learning now is different: I have to learn how to ask for help.
When I saw my landlord getting nervous and realised I couldn’t create income fast enough, I eventually asked a few friends to lend me money to cover part of my rent this month. I resisted this for a long time. I was taught to rely on myself — always. But that created an imbalance.
I knew how to give. I rarely knew how to receive. And when I did receive, I felt guilty or immediately looked for ways to give back even more. Now, I’m learning to balance overgiving with creating space to receive too — to stay open when support arrives, without guilt or the need to immediately give something back.
My granny isn’t here anymore to make miracles happen for me — and maybe that’s the point. Maybe one of the most important lessons now is learning to ask for help myself.
I’ve always said to everyone: “If you never ask, you will never get.”
Today, that truth is mine too.
Right now, what I need most is financial support to stabilise myself this month — and possibly the next few months — while I continue developing my heart project, The Greatest Wave of Life. If you feel called to support me, here is a link with different ways to do so. And if you can’t, that’s perfectly okay — holding me in your heart is just as precious.
I don’t know exactly how, but I do know I’ll find a way. Over these past months, I’ve been building new structures in my life. I know what got me here, and I know what I need to pay attention to in order to turn this around.
As someone’s granny once said, “The best meal doesn’t come from a microwave. It comes from the oven.”
Slow. Intentional. Made with love.
